Secret nuclear bunker not really that secret

I may have found a new location for my secret lair and it has all the features I need. It's large, spacious, heavily armoured enough to withstand a nuclear strike, deep underground and perfect for a lair. The only problem is, it's not really that secret.

Evil Plan (TM)

Your objective is simple: World Domination.

Your motive is a little bit more complex: Evil - It's my nature

Stage One

To begin your plan, you must first clone a military general. This will cause the world to leave, terrified by your arrival. Who is this evil genius? Where did they come from? And why do they look so good in a supervillain costume with gimmicks?

Stage Two

Next, you must seize control of the internet. This will all be done from a underground secret headquarters of doom, a mysterious place of unrivaled dark glory. Upon seeing this, the world will weep uncontrollably, as countless hordes of classic thugs hasten to do your every bidding.

Stage Three

Finally, you must reveal to the world your armies of destruction, bringing about pain, suffering, the usual. Your name shall become synonymous with evil, and no man will ever again dare interrupt your sentences. Everyone will bow before your cunning intelligence, and the world will have no choice but to give you control of the planet.

Created with the Evil Plan Generator.

I've been sabotaged!

I think this might be the end for me. Early yesterday evening I started to feel incredibly ill, with it carrying on to today. I haven't felt this bad in a long time so I have my suspicions on how it started.
While walking around the area yesterday I could have sworn I saw a caped figure following me around every now and then.

Now, this could mean one of two things;

• I have a rival, in which case I need to get back to being healthy as soon as possible.
  
  Or...
  
  
• I actually am ill and I was hallucinating.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go pass out.

Mercenaries 2: Venezuela Supervillain Training

Image by csullens via FlickrI recently added the Xbox 360 game Mercenaries 2 to my gaming collection. And while I think I might need to hire an exterminator as a result of all the bugs and glitches in the game, I came to realise that it could actually work as a pretty decent simulation of how to invade a small section of Venezuela.

Of course, it's somewhat lacking in the super-villain department as you're only able to play as either a British, American or Swedish mercenary. That said, you are able to buy new weapon drops such as artillery strikes, bunker busters, etc. Which would come in handy when I eventually end up taking on Venezuela.
All the game needs is a secret underground lair and some death rays and it'll be the perfect super-villain training programme for invading Venezuela.

Speaking of taking on Venezuela, I need to figure out which order I should take on the major countries when I finally get around to taking over the world. The USA would definitely be first though, they tend to get involved in almost every war there is so if I'll have to fight them eventually I might as well take them on first.

Haiku Monday

While I'm thinking up some new plans, I thought I'd have a go at writing some evil haikus. Never tried it before but the minute I let things conquer me is the minute I stop conquering the world.

That sounded better in my head.

Looking so evil,
Thinking up evil ideas,
Can't get more evil.

Being evil is,
Quite awesome but sometimes so,
So very lonely

Weapon plans swirling,
Around my large, pulsing brain,
Great one coming up

Feel free to submit some other evil-themes haikus in the comments. Yours might even be better than mine. *cough*Asifthat'spossible*cough*

Some additions to my top 10 world take over list

Some honourable mentions to add to my top 10 world take over list thanks to Nigel Cooke (supplier of the SETI image).

• An over the top evil name. I've mostly got this down but any evil villain, super or not, needs an over the top evil name. How else are you going to make someone underestimate you so you can then easily crush them like a bug?
• An evil catchphrase. You're not an evil villain if you don't have an evil catch phrase. Personally I am still working on mine, but when I get one you'll all fear the very mention (however slight) of it.

If you think you can add to this list or feel you can better Nigel's suggestions, feel free to suggest more possible additions in the comments and I may add them to my next list. I'm certain I'll make another one when the need arises.

Update: Gyro Cube

Right, first things first, my material hunt (and then implementation) didn't go too well.

It turns out that multi-dimensional metal doesn't exist. YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME!
Despite the non-existence of the base component, I decided to press on and hopefully make it work. Of course I had to use regular sheet metal and install a door but this was design flaw easily solved by putting trails of marzipan throughout the surrounding area and having them all lead back to the open door. The way I thought about it was, if someone as clearly evil as me likes marzipan, all you non-evil people should love it. I love the way my mind works sometimes.

Another problem I came up against was the suction method. I originally came up with using a small black hole but I soon realised that it would suck in my box, then me and soon afterwards, the world. Now, I may be evil but I'm not about to destroy the world I want to control. Not like SOME super-villains I know. You know who you are.
So I originally came up with the totally awesome and cost effective idea of using around 15+ vacuum cleaners and link up the nozzles to a main nozzle to create fifteen times the normal amount of suction. Unfortunately, for this I needed fifteen power sockets and I could only find one.

So, unfortunately, my first weapon plan didn't go too well. But as you all know basement cat didn't create evil in just one day, so have patience.

Note to self: Build a lair and install 15 or more power sockets.

Weapon Plan: Gyro Cube

Right, so. I've got this totally evil and awesome idea for a new weapon to help me on my way to becoming a totally evil super-villain. So, there I was, sitting on the toilet and I get this idea for a weapon. It'll be about the size of a small van and will have the power to suck in and crush everything imaginable. Of course there'll be a bit of time between it sucking things in and when it crushes them. So while it builds up the power, the multi-dimensional metal (haven't worked out where I can get that yet) will stop letting matter through its structure and trap everything inside.
Also, it'll play a bit of elevator music to calm people down. Then just before they're crushed, the music will stop. Leaving them in a state of confusion before they die. Mwahahahahaha!

I haven't really locked down everything I'll need but here's a small list I've put together.

• Multi-dimensional metal (around 15 metres)
• Power source to power all the components
• An empty lot to house my structure (might use a free space in a car park)

That's all I've really been able to figure out yet but never fear, I'm going out tomorrow to try and find out what else I need and find where I can get the materials I already know about.
I think I'm gonna make it spin or something.

For a little insight into my thought processes, here's a small section of my plans.

Evil? Totally...

Congratulations, you've found the blog of the totally evil (almost) super-villain, FireKill(er). I sort of haven't decided on whether I want the 'er' there or not but it's not like people will be telling me to choose when I'm kidnapping their family or something.

You're most likely here because you found my calling card at the scene of a crime. The police don't seem to have realised yet but that means that I was responsible.
I mean, how many kittens do I need to kidnap before I get noticed around here? Maybe I need to step up my game a bit.

Come to think of it, I really do need to start doing more evil things. I'm running out of things to boast about at parties. As an (almost) super-villain, I can't meet girls at work so I have to rely on parties that my minions throw. I say minions, they're not really my minions, more like friends. But they'll be my minions soon, whether they know it yet or not!
But as I was saying, it's really getting tedious having to tell the same stories over and over again and passing them off as recent events. I'm even starting to have to resort to using my stories from my 'villain in training' days. And, well, it's not exactly easy to make a chocolate bar thief seem cool and glamorous.

By the way, in case you were wondering (or you're a complete idiot), the image up top is my calling card. Of course, if you're reading this in a feed reader, chances are you won't be able to see it so just click through to the blog itself.